Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Popular Hobo Does Out-patient Surgery


Long long before we even thought about Obama Care, I was performing emergency 
out-patient surgery and other procedures out here in Hoboville
free of charge** for any hobo who needed such care.  

Let me say also, however, that no one could ever accuse me of "practicing medicine without
 a license"! No...medicine is not this. This here is straight-up comprehensive surgery...there ain't 
no medicine involved in what I do whatsoever.

As I mentioned in the preceding segment, I won't treat gunshot wounds and, of
 course, there are many other situations that I won't mess with that require invasive surgery.
For example, whenever Chris White rides up on his bling-loaded Harley Davidson (its a
 girl's Schwinn beach cruiser bicycle), with his entire head lodged far up his asshole, I wince 
in pain from the mere sight of that situation but I wouldn't ever attempt to remove it. 
He apparently enjoys it up there... it keeps the sun off his bald head.   

What you're about to see here, presented in three short videos, is a staple removal operation that 
was long overdue.The longer an idiot, I mean a patient, postpones the task of removing the staples from their healed wound site, the more difficult it becomes to remove them. That's because the body simply grows tissue around the staple and after a while they're encapsulated by tissue/skin and may require a percutaneous cut-down procedure to get them out followed by a couple of small sutures for wound closure.



In a hospital setting, the patient's head might be secured/strapped down to the gurney with a Velcro strap in order to keep it absolutely still during the delicate procedure. Any transient movements between that of the surgeons hands and the patient's head while the staples are in the grip of the pulling tools, can either re-open the original wound or cause a new tear in the scalp tissue.

 To reduce such risk, I positioned the patient's (numb skull) bone head against the side of that dumpster with my foot to immobilize it and prevent it from wobbling, twitching or trembling while I was prying the legs of the staple apart using two pairs of forceps (cheap-ass pliers from Big Lots). Thus, the staple came out easily with no blood loss/trauma. Because of the graphic and anguishing nature of prying, yanking out that second staple, while the patient was squeeling loudly (like a baby pig) beneath my foot, I decided not to publish the rest of the procedure. As I worked, those delivery truckers stopped their busy work in order to bare witness
 to the amazing surgery I performed.
 I  need to get some business cards to hand out to such spectators. One or two of those 
truckers may have some surgical needs of their own for me to handle.

** In other words, I don't charge excessively high prices for my services. :D  I won't take a hobo's
last $2 (beer money) nor will I ding his credit score if he fails to make a scheduled payment.
But as you can hear in that phone conversation, if a patient shows up at my office and wants this and that, etc and he ain't got no cash money in his hand, I may perform only a portion of the needed procedure and send his broke ass away in agonizing PAIN. Pain is sometimes a good incentive for a person to take care of their bid-nis obligations out here in Hoboville.

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